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pariah
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pardons for the beggar
he knows not what he trades
witness to the rapture
a feather for a spade
preaching him a savior
what alms that would've made
words to sate the hunger
though wordlessly he prayed
threnodies for martyrs
indifferently played
lulling into stupor
those starving to be saved
beneath the skyscrapers
within walls mired and grayed
they all roam encumbered
and silently they pray
ripping through the integuments
of a convivial heaven
sleeping in discontentment
stay cast-away; forgotten
penance for the pauper
watching the cavalcade
of endless wanderers
all dressed in the decay
through torn streets and corners
the grime will never fade
listen to the laughter
the asphalt takes its prey
lumbering across the pavement
the ragged delirious children
wallowing in detriment
stay cast-away; forgotten
still groping for all those long disclosed promises
still hoping for halos when their god could care less
are they conversing with angels
while carrying their own shovels
and quietly knowing too well
when and where to bury themselves
pardons for the beggar
he knows not what he pays
placed his doubt on barter
for faith without a face
he wouldn't consider
to even make a raise
when a dream is offered
it's never there to stay
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Monday, January 12th, 2009
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*yawn*
dawn’s kiss
-------------------------------------------
wake me with your languid stare
brushing like a dewy air
the dawn’s kiss has never been this soothing
lace me in your tousled hair
asphodel lips unprepared
daylight creeps across your cheeks; revealing
your face outlined
by the sunshine
that’s dripping quietly behind the blinds
wake me with a hushing glare
spilling brightly everywhere
your warmth is but a sweetened new morning
breathe in me your cooling breeze
freshly blowing memories
the dawn’s kiss has never been so lifting
your smile defines
the daybreak’s time
in watching this gold blushing sky unwind
and i felt the covers melt away
the chiming whispers of yesterday
and it’s you that’s the first thing I see
somehow you’re more restful than sleep
make this day begin again
return to the moment when
i opened my eyes to your slow breathing
chasing clouds all too often
moving past the uncertain
the dawn’s kiss has never been so calming
and it’s you that’s the first thing i’ll see
the sun’s shattered rays glitter in your gaze
rouse me into a new dream everyday
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Thursday, November 6th, 2008
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i just got home after seeing an old college friend of mine. well, her body was cremated because the accident was just really that bad, so technically i really didn't get to see her. before me instead was a gold-colored urn-box that held her ashes and her pictures colorfully hanging everywhere. have you heard of the NLEX pile-up accident involving a passenger bus leaving 5 dead and around 56 more seriously injured? she was the driver of the toyota revo that that bus plowed right through. to the world her name was ruth diane ferrer. to us and to her highschool friends, well, we called her 'scarlet.'
as i mentioned, scarlet was an old college friend of mine. a blockmate, to be exact. member of admu ab philosophy block j 04-08. i was part of that block during my first year in college, before i left admu and shifted courses to take fine arts in kalayaan. as i could remember, scar was one of the first people (if not the first person) to ever talk to me in college. and she was one of my closest blockmates at that time. every description of her would have the words "friendly", "bubbly" and "sweet" in them. even though i must say that i've only known her for the better part of a school year, i believe that these words were indeed understatements for scarlet. the only memories that i have of her were ones wherin she was either laughing or smiling. the last time i saw scarlet was when i bumped into her near shakey's, katpunan around a year ago, and the last words i ever said to her were, " sige scar, ingat. see you."
see you.
i never expected that the next block reunion that we'd have was in the wake of a blockmate. that wasn't right. that's just not fucking right at all. after gathering at claret to pay our respects to scar, i went with the block to drink at katips. it was sort of a tribute to scarlet. every glass and bottle downed was "for scarlet." most of my old blockmates were now law students, schoolmates and classmates of scar. some were working newly-grads. i haven't seen them for at least two years, i couldn't really relate much. i'd only laugh with them whenever i recognized a familiar topic. i learned some stuff about my old blockmates. new, trivial and irrelevant stuff, since i know that we won't be seeing each other soon after this anyway. still, we were once a block. the least that i could be doing was to enjoy myself. we all tried to enjoy ourselves, even though i know as it was somehow evident that everyone shared the same cocktail of sentiments i felt within me: distraught grief, sadness, anger, pity, remorse and loss.
a toast after the other, sharing memories of scarlet during the past three years that i never really had with them. "si scarlet, ung makulit. si scarlet, ung laging pinagtritripan sa inuman. ung hinihiraman ng notes. si scarlet, ung breadwinner ngayon ng pamilya, well, ng buong clan ng ferrer. si scarlet, ung mabait. si scarlet, ung wala kang masabi." as pot had said to me, in a really, really lifeless tone, "sayang si scar.."
as i sat there, drinking and smoking, some talked about how scarlet was always there, how she was an ever-present smoking buddy every before-finals. i remembered how my ex-blockmate chaim and i taught her how to smoke, during one dumb morning after english classes at the berch smoket. it wasn't actually in the nature of our being BI's. it was just that we were surprised to see her with a pack of marlboro lights, puffing on a lit cigarette like a kid trying her best. i wasn't actually sure why all of a sudden she decided to start smoking, and i never asked why, but in seeing her, chaim and i just thought, "well, we might as well teach her to do it right." now i feel a bit guilty for that. haha.
from the time that i was PMed by april about the accident until now, after going to scarlet's wake, i still couldn't believe, still couldn't accept that she was gone. ang sama pala talaga ng feeling pag bigla mo nalang nalaman na namatay ang isang kaibigan mo. kagulo eh. tangina ang labo. this world is just really fucking retarded.
well scar, wherever you are, stay smiling. i'll see you when i see you again.
ruth diane "scarlet" ferrer
1987-2008
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
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the well-on-the-hill analogy
----------------------------------------------
i fell
and she came tumbling down
as well
i felt
my head spinning around
myself
idled
thoughts convincingly sound
to tell
compelled
fragmented on the ground
i fell
we swore
never to confuse this situation
promising to keep our admonition
a misstep
would bring us back to where we were
before
i filled
this ashtray with her face
and still
i will
be watching stars erased
to nil
the spilled
red wine has slowly traced
the hills
until
the crash we’ll share allays
i’m filled
we swore
never to betray us with emotions
walking us astray in complications
and not let
ourselves return to where we were
before
the air tonight is doubtless
descending further
down these slopes of bitter
uncertainties
waiver
the risk of getting hurt
well
we’ll be wherever
this chance will maneuver
us, and maybe
after
there is no need for words
well
we can’t be lost if we’re together
take me to nowhere
or somewhere far
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
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prescription
-----------------------------------------------
seizures
triggered by a lapsing faith
so sure
of a truth that comes too late
where's your
condescending opiate
savior
are you really worth the wait
falter
at the brush of the disease
martyr
are you bleeding for release
ever affluent realities
savior
through these veins: i'm on my knees
i know the angels must be ill
i know my christ comes in a pill
i known messiahs for a thrill
swallow
your god and what he wills
discord
in a mind exasperates
prayers
to a capsule and a saint
rupture
sanity and dissipate
savior
numbing me; suffuse, sedate
conjure
a new deluge in my brain
tumors
hallucinogenic stains
altars
made of analgesic dreams
savior
drugging me a single name
give me the syringe
i'll take in its preaching
asphyxiating
in psalms of psilocin
i'll take your offer
prophet or doctor
stitching the fibers
halos on liars
i'll have whatever you're having
doubt and faith
liquidate
senses phased
left delirious
thoughts placate
vacillate
through the states
narcomatous
stupor
accepting the fallacy
endure
with a newfound nullity
suture
this mind with severity
savior
paradise induced in me
savior
stupefied in malady
savior
in deluded clarity
savior
i am willing and ready
savior
you're prescribed to make me see
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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Sunday, August 31st, 2008
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the matchstick serenade
---------------------------------------------------------------
a derelict of chances passed; the one who murdered all that was
and all that just might ever be
for nothing lasts absolutely
when all will end as surely as the subtle flicker of a match
we might as well welcome the fade
impromptu everything that may
as i have always been saying
i just doubt anything will happen
but i'll sure as hell try to ignite something
a misery of sorts
like cigarettes in candy stores
you'd want bliss that's sweet and cheap
but still it'll burn into nothing
and nothing lasts absolutely
so why not try to go out last?
take the hand of Temporary; she might fake it quite thoroughly
strike the seconds and light anew
"eternally" was never true
when nothing lasts absolutely
you can't know what's going to happen
let's set the song on fire
flicker, flicker matchstick lover
this mind knows all the lies; make this heart into a liar
flicker, flicker matchstick lover
i want you now until the non-existent forever
flicker
as i have always been saying
why not doubt anything will happen?
when nothing lasts absolutely
let's be absolutely nothing
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Saturday, August 16th, 2008
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it really sucks to come home one day to find out that one of your family members is confined in the hospital. my sister Zam was diagnosed with diabetes with her RBS counting up past 300 (which is, by the way, literally off-the-charts). at her initial check-up, the doctor said that if we had overlooked her state and she had not been given immediate treatment, Zam may have sooner or later collapsed and gone into comatose due to her extremely high blood sugar count. she's at UDMC right now, complaining about the food and the needles. there's nothing sadder than a kid that can't eat sweets, so to say. well i guess it's better to eat your veggies than to be one.
our parents were quietly hoping that none of us would inherit the sicknesses long present in our bloodlines. eight years after my grandmother's death, my youngest sibling is stricken with my lola's disease. really fuckin great. i remember how she was in the hospital. always hating the doctors, hating the needles, hating the tests, hating the daily injections, and sometimes crying over them, just like how Zam cried. well who wouldn't hate that state? you can't eat the things you loved to eat, you can't scratch any itches for fear that the resulting wounds wouldn't heal, you get pricked at at least ten different points in your body everyday, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. it's practically your life at the price of your sanity. (it's a good thing that my brother EJ's taking up psychology, i guess.) it's just a really ugly way of messing up your childhood.
i truly feel bad about my sister's present condition. this is one of the times when the family's role as a basic support system is most dramatically required. hooray for the panganays. well, Zam's a strong kid.i'm sure she'll overcome this, eventually.
prayers and thanks.
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
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into farewell sleep
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- into farewell sleep
drift and sift away from planes
of confused words
a refused world
into this dance of dreams
though you can't follow the sequence
close your eyes anyway
or in a way
into just forgetting all of these into farewell sleep
blink and vacillate and claim
a peace unheard
take all you're worth
and hover from all real
though time may have its own cadence
in minutes, hours and days
sever away
and just leave with me through Lethe’s breeze accept and placate
make the empty mornings wait for you
transcending
into nothingness
there is no home for the half-conscious
reverting
back to innocence drift and fly away so let me lead you
past the skies of remembrance
crossing truth with chance
quietly breach through
this reality’s semblance
somnolent silence
close your eyes into farewell sleep
with a million faceless names
in your feathers
free to wander
like goodbyes in the wind
though you’re trapped in ambivalence
there’s no real need to stay
no need to say
a lack of chains never meant release
drift and fly away and i will lead you
past the lies of existence
crossing truth with chance
quietly breach through
the walls of your consciousness
past this discordance
close your eyes and just forget drift and fly away
into your sleep say farewell
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Saturday, June 21st, 2008
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curare
------------------------------------------------------
paralyzed in a dream
dismal eyes dilating
simplified apathy
gracious, I fail to breathe
paradise, or so it seems
tranquilized in longing
mesmerized sanity
hopeless, I fail to be
i can’t move
a halo’s light quietly
cradling my thoughts gently
sanctified and calmly
wordless, i fail to breathe
gliding across Elysian plains
your breath’s scent is my new procaine
i can’t move
soothing fingers sift through my veins
like cautious IV tubes slithering
let pallid lips kiss me and stain
your curing bliss upon my being
there’s a convalescent surety in your smile
i can’t move
as you’re flowing through me
so kill me like an idle peace
you are my curare
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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
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pages
------------------------------------------
casting out reflections
of a bliss that turned to fiction
where the characters are paper
the characters are withered
and one is torn
one is burnt
coming to declension
hence the theme of separation
when the dialogues are severed
and nothing's gonna alter
this denouement
read and heard
i fared through the lines
lost within scenes
the inks dress the mind
in dry longing
lingering illusions
stolen thoughts in recollection
like a pen dying on paper
the characters dismembered
and fell apart
one was torn
i stared down the lines
and all between
there's nothing to find
only endings
in quoting excerpts from Past's memoirs
blistered words running towards nowhere
we lie amidst the chapters of farewells and hereafters
this is all we are for now
when the pages turn, we'll slowly burn
this is all we are for now
i stared down the lines
and all between
there's nothing to find
only endings
this is all we are for now
only endings
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smoke In the showers
-------------------------------------------------------
what are you doing
contemplating
on the weeping tiles
are they whispering
amidst the steam
getting in your eyes
droplets gibbering
mitigating
the panic’s disguise
the nozzle’s bleeding
and spiraling
faces locked in smiles
inhale. expire
plain and convincing
like naked skin
bathed and then baptized
the cancer within
masticating
a faith falsified
angels are coughing
fingers slipping
as cold walls denied
your hands the soothing
touch of a dream
that may have sufficed
inhale. expire
let the smoke mingle with the water
it’s the disease licking you inside
your plague can’t be cured in the showers
a child in the mirror crucified
it’s all white with nowhere to hold
kneel for respite, worship the mold
inhale; expire
memories griming
remembering
and never excised
demons reflecting
convoluting
what’s realized
delusions flowing
hemorrhaging
and washing your mind
cumbersome breathing
filter damping
returning in kind
the filth underneath your skin
emaciating your being
purged with ashes
taste the sickness
inhale
expire.
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in the keys
------------------------------------
come now, princess
don't surrender your splendor
sign emptiness
with an epithet from razors
come now, naked
and vulnerably dreaming
pallid, wounded
while the piano is still playing
come now, duress
flaunt your surreal glamour
let her witness
the parody of metaphors
come now, tainted
the lies are worth believing
desecrated
the knives are there, waiting,
waiting
concede to the void
the puppet, the toyed
come now, your Highness
show them your riches
show them your rubies
and spill them in washes
banish sanity
there's madness in the keys
come now, princess
while the devil's still playing
come now, silence
the knives are there, waiting
waiting
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sheep
------------------------------------
distortions of grandeur and praise
infect me and make me your slave
tranquility is but a phase
the sullen, the meek, the depraved
like shying fleece on the barter
delusions of ardor misplaced
inject faith that enmity made
in truths, she lay undressed, defaced
the maiden, the sheep, the dismayed
lead me across the graying plains
she'll be the bliss beside the pain
i lie prostrate in surrender
herd the weak into paradise
the needle is my new shepherd
stain delirium onto their eyes
like naked lambs to the slaughter
these are the pastures
the fields of mourners
the grass of beggars
meadows of paupers
here grow the anguished
the mired, the famished
the livid brackish
the passive tarnished
lead me beneath your rusting staves
these veins ache for the blight you gave
watch the child playing on the altar
dancing methamphetamine shivers
acceptance
deliverance
i am your sheep
this world's an abattoir
i am your sheep
feed me;
this mind is yours
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to Eve who birthed murderers and Lilith who spawned monsters, every abomination is still but beauty in your maternal eyes. to Clytemnestra who grieved a daughter enough to be killed by a son, peace is a sacrifice offered to such. to Thetis who was fated to outlive an only child, try as she might, a mother could only do so much. to goodnights and goodmornings and the debt that could never be repaid. to all you mothers out there, kudos. cheers to your day, for none of us would have even started one if not for you.
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Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
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my bodyclock's gone haywire. seriously. still can't find the missing springs and cogs. ever since summer started, i lost a decent sense of what people call "sleeping habits". it must be a disease of some sort. i think i'm gonna call it midsummer sickness. well it's been too long since i last dreamed. 26 hours encounting.
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
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pure escape
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morning coffee
-----------------------------
a dip
into this cup and then a stare
upon your mocha lips; a sip
and then a puff, while you are there
the one with the warm grip
upon my lungs
i drift a glance
and you play your stir
turning Saturday into a whisper
your eyes slowly kill me within
easier than tars and nicotine
and i can't look away
a drop
of nonchalant insanity
blending with this morning coffee
while there's still smoke stuck in the air
before the dawn may flop
before you're gone
i drift a glance
and you kiss the filter
turning Saturday into a whisper
your eyes slowly kill me within
easier than tars and nicotine
and i can't look away
even if it burns my tongue
and you're the last taste that i'll remember
just before it leaves me numb
a caffeine kiss in haste, then i'm sober
so now you look at me and say
the words so stale yet bittersweet
and i can't look away
i can't look away
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i watched a turtle crawl on the sand while singing "garden fresh". i never knew it's voice could be so relaxingly steady.
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